Snake Vs Everyone
by ProfTEntee
Summary: Solid Snake joins the silly battle between the Reds and Blues in search of a Metal Gear, and quickly wishes he wasn't chosen so he can get out of Blood Gulch. But he has to stay until the Metal Gear is found. Which may be a long time away. WARNING: contains swears.
1. Chapter 1: Everyone's a Numb-Nut

I have become obsessed with Red Vs. Blue recently. I have no idea why. Maybe it's Caboose. I like Caboose.

Also, all this takes place after the events of RvB season 5, after Sister joined the Blues and Tucker had Junior. Also this is an AU in which the Pelican did not explode with Tex and Junior in it, as they escaped before Andy blew up, and O'Mally did not succeed and is now dead. So Tex and Junior are still presumably alive, while O'Mally, Flowers, Wyoming, Andy, Gamma, and the other alien are dead. The reason I do this is because I have not gotten past season 6 yet, and have just started watching it after just finishing season 5, and I felt that I needed more characters to work with. Also, Doc is no longer posessed.

WARNING: CONTAINS SWEARS AND ADULT CONTENT! I don't usually do swears all that often, but to keep the atmosphere of Red vs. Blue, I am going to make an exception.

* * *

**Snake Vs. Everyone**

**Chapter 1:**

**Everyone's a Numb-Nut**

* * *

"Caboose, what the hell are you doing?" asked Church as he looked up at the soldier on top of the Blue Base.

"I'm scouting." replied Caboose as he peered through the scope of the sniper rifle. "Something strange is going on."

"But your'e looking at the floor." said Church.

"Exactly." said Caboose. "There's something different about this floor. I need to find out what."

"I don't think staring at one single spot on the ground for several hours is going to help, Caboose."

"You never know, Church. You never know."

Church sighed. "You're an idiot, Caboose."

While they were talking, a man in a sneaking suit and headband observed them through a pair of binoculars. He could hear every word of it due to the binoculars' enhanced microphone that could pick up sound from up to half a mile away.

"Snake, this is Otacon, you there?" asked Otacon through the Codec.

"This is Solid Snake, I read you." replied Snake.

"What are they doing?"

"Just standing there. And talking. In fact, that's all these guys seem to do. Just stand around and talk about stuff."

"Do they have a Metal Gear like our intel said?"

"Not that I can see, no. If they did, they either have no idea how to use it or have no idea it's even there."

"Why do you think that?"

"Do I really have to answer that question?"

"Right, I see. Try the Red Team. Maybe they have it."

"Heading to Red Base now." said Snake, getting up and walking away. "I hope they are more intelligent than these retards."

* * *

"Dammit, Grif, hold still!" said Sarge as he shot at the orange-armored soldier. "Your'e making me miss!"

"That's the point!" said Grif as he ran back and forth to avoid the bullets.

"No, the point is I shoot and you get hit and die!" said Sarge.

"I thought the point was to teach him not to crash the Warthog, sir." said Simmons.

"Shut up, Simmons, I'm concentrating." snapped Sarge, then continued to pelt the wall behind Grif with bullets.

Snake watched from afar, his eye twitching from the amount of stupidity he was getting from these soldiers.

"No luck with the Reds, either?" asked Otacon over the Codec.

"Nope." said Snake. "And these guys are idiots, too."

"So everyone in Blood Gulch is a complete numb-nut?"

"Seems so." Snake sighed.

And that's when he felt the barrel of a gun poke the back of his neck.

"No te muevas, cabrón." a robotic voice said.

"Aw, shit." cursed Snake as he raised his hands.

* * *

"Yup. He's a Blue." said Sarge as the Reds interrogated Snake. "He's a twice-damned Blue."

"What makes you sure?" asked Simmons.

"Look at 'im! He's got that spy look about him! The Blues sent him to spy on us!"

"But he doesn't have any armor." Grif pointed out.

"Bullshit." said Sarge. "He just took it off."

"Why would he take his armor off?"

"He was hot."

"Our armor has heating and cooling systems to keep the occupant at normal temperatures." said Simmons.

"How would you know that?"

"Lopez gave me the blueprints."

"Hice la armadura mí mismo." said Lopez.

"You're right, Lopez, Simmons IS an idiot!" said Sarge.

"No, he said he made the armor himself." said Snake.

"Wait, you can understand him?" asked Simmons.

"I took a Spanish class." replied Snake.

"Hey, I like him!" said Sarge. "Go ahead, Lopez, say something else."

"Algo mas." said Lopez.

"You're right, his beard IS badass!"

"No, he actually said the words "something else."" said Snake.

"Well I don't believe it! There's actually someone in this whole canyon who can understand Lopez!"

"You mean to tell me you NEVER had a translator for him?"

"Not since Andy blew up." said Grif.

"I like him!" said Sarge. "He should be a Red! Maybe now we can beat those twice-damned Blues! About time we had a decent soldier around here."

"It may be a good idea." said Otacon over the Codec, which stimulated the bones in his ear so only Snake could hear any sound. "Maybe becoming one of these guys will bring you closer to the Metal Gear. And besides, now they're not trying to kill you!"

Snake sighed and nodded. "Sure."

"Wonderful!" said Sarge. "We need to get you some armor, but first, introductions! I'm Sarge, the commander of this operation. The orange one is Grif. Do your best to hurt him. A lot."

"Hey." said Grif.

"The one in maroon is Simmons. He's the number 2, and one of the best guys here, excluding yours truly, of course."

"Yo." said Simmons.

"The one in pink is Private Donut. He's kinda dumb."

"Thanks, Sarge." said Donut.

"And the robot guy who brought you here is Lopez. He's a robot and our best engineer."

"Hola." said Lopez.

"Glad to have you on the team, misterrrrrrrrrrrr what's your name?" asked Sarge.

"Solid Snake is my code name. You can call me Snake for short."

"Nice to meet ya' Snake! Go with Lopez, he'll get you some armor. What color you like?"

"Black. And no helmet, please."

"Of course! We don't wanna hide that awesome beard of yours!"

"Sígueme." said Lopez as he led Snake out of the room.

Snake sighed as he walked through the few halls of Red Base. _This is gonna be a loooooooonnnnng mission. _he thought.

* * *

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	2. Chapter 2: Pumas Are Real?

Go to Google Translate, everyone, because I'm not gonna translate what Lopez says! MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

P.S. after translating what I wrote on Google Translate, some of the things in Spanish don't translate to what I want them to. I'll put translations for those sentences the way I want them to sound at the end of the chapter.

* * *

**Snake Vs. Everyone**

**Chapter 2:**

**Pumas Are Real?**

* * *

"So let me get this straight," said Snake as he finished putting on a set of black MJOLNIR armor without a helmet, "Andy was a bomb. That could talk. A talking bomb."

"Sí." replied Lopez.

"That is probably the strangest thing I have ever heard."

"Lo creas o no, las cosas más extrañas han sucedido."

"Really? Like what?"

"Un hombre dio a luz a un extranjero. Me enamoré de un tanque. ¿Debo continuar?"

"Wow, Blood Gulch is quite the place to be holed up in."

"De hecho, la serpiente. Usted no va a durar un día aquí sin volverse loco."

"I've survived worse." said Snake, finishing off by pulling on his boots. "Thanks for the armor, Lopez."

"No hay problema." replied Lopez. "Pero ¿por qué no quiere un casco?"

"This." replied Snake, tightening his headband a bit. "And this." He took a cigarette out of the pouch of his sneak suit he had removed and lit it.

"Si no fuera por mí, que sería la definición de tipo duro." said Lopez.

"Maybe we both are." chuckled Snake.

* * *

"Nice vehicle." said Snake, looking over the jeep.

"Thanks, Snake!" said Sarge. "We call it the Warthog, 'cause it looks like a warthog!"

"Really? Looks more like a puma to me."

"Wait, a puma is a real thing?"

"Ayup."

Sarge mentally kicked himself several times before saying, "Well either way, it's called the Warthog, and that's that."

"Don't let me change it. I like the name. It's kinda intimidating. Warthogs are wild animals. And from the looks of that gun on the top, this is a pretty wild vehicle."

"You got that right." said Simmons. "But it keeps getting blown up."

"You need to be more careful with it."

"That's what I keep saying!" said Sarge.

"Wait, what exactly is a puma?" asked Donut.

"It's a big, wild cat. Like a lion or a tiger." replied Snake.

"Or a bear." said Donut.

"Oh my!" punctuated Sarge.

"Bears aren't cats, idiot." said Snake.

"They could be!" said Donut. "Maybe we just don't know it!"

"La gente cree que los delfines son peces." said Lopez.

Snake sighed. "You guys are dumb-asses."

"Nope, just Grif." said Sarge.

* * *

"What are they saying?" asked Simmons.

"They're talking about someone named Sheila." replied Snake as he peered through the binoculars with the microphone.

"The tank?"

"Tank? Does Sheila happen to be the name of the tank Lopez fell for?"

"Yes, that's her."

"'Cause he may have competition."

"What do you mean?"

"That blue guy, Caboose or whatever, seems to like her. A lot."

"Snake..."

"Also, I think that Church guy is in a robot body. How did he..."

"Snake..."

"Yeah?" asked Snake, turning around.

He found a soldier in steel-colored armor pointing a battle rifle at Simmons.

"Don't move." the soldier said, revealing a female voice.

Snake held up his hands slowley, as did Simmons.

"Who are you?" she asked, pointing the battle rifle at Snake.

"Snake. Solid Snake." Snake replied.

"You the new Red guy? How come you didn't arrive in a ship?"

"None of your business, miss."

"My name is Tex."

"Tex?" Snake lowered his hands and chuckled. "That sounds like a dude's name to me."

"Maybe it's a man disguised as a girl." suggested Simmons.

"Maybe." laughed Snake.

"Shut up." snapped Tex. "You're coming with me."

"I don't think so, sweetheart." said Snake.

"Hey, I'm the one with a gun here."

"I don't need a gun to kill you."

"Just try to outsmart me, "Snake". You won't succeed."

"You really think so?"

Before Tex could react, Snake had lunged across the short space between them, grabbed the battle rifle, and yanked it out of her hands. Tex swung at him with her fist, but Snake spun to the side and grabbed her arm, twisting it behind her in a painful arm-lock.

"You see what I mean?" asked Snake before delivering a swift blow to the back of her head, knocking her out, and throwing her to the ground.

"Holy shit!" exclaimed Simmons. "Why did you not do that when Lopez caught you?"

"So I could get closer to you guys before killing you all." replied Snake as he headed back towards Red Base.

"Wait, what?"

"Relax, Simmons, that was before Sarge invited me onto the Red Team. You can sleep well at night."

Simmons just nodded in reply, unable to find any words to respond.

* * *

Here are the sentences Lopez says that don't translate like I want them to, along with what I intended for them to say:

De hecho, la serpiente. Usted no va a durar un día aquí sin volverse loco. = Indeed, Snake. You will not last a day here without going crazy.

Si no fuera por mí, que sería la definición de tipo duro. = If it were not for me, that would be the definition of badass.

Please favorite, follow, and review! Next chapter soon! Cheers!


	3. Chapter 3: Playing Favorites

I have decided to not be a meanie and put Lopez's translations here. They will be in brackets.

* * *

**Snake Vs. Everyone**

**Chapter 3:**

**Playing Favorites**

* * *

"So let me get this straight," said Grif, "You took out Tex BY YOURSELF?"

"Yup." Snake replied calmly as he lay underneath the Warthog, doing some tuning.

"You do realize that she is, like, the most awesome and unstoppable person in the canyon, right?"

"Not anymore, she's not."

"Wow, man, your'e good."

"Thanks."

"Hey, Snake, what are ya' doing?" asked Sarge as he walked over.

"Tuning up the Warthog a bit." replied Snake. "Thought it could use a few improvements."

"Like what? This thing's awesome enough already!"

"Yeah, I have to agree, but I just thought, "Why not make it MORE awesome"? So I'm amping up the speed a little bit, and later I'm gonna improve the armor. Maybe it won't blow up as much."

"That's actually a good idea!" said Sarge. "Okay, Snake, keep doing what you're doing. While you're at it, you think you can improve the gun, too? A bigger gun is always better."

"I'll see what I can do, Sarge." said Snake. "But no promises."

"Alrighty then! Keep up the good work!" With that, Sarge headed back into Red Base.

Simmons and Grif walked out of earshot and Grif said, "Is it me, or does Sarge actually... LIKE this guy?"

"I noticed that too. I tried to tune up the Warthog a few times, and Sarge just yelled at me. And he NEVER says "keep up the good work!". I think Sarge is playing favorites."

"Like he hasn't before, kiss-ass."

"Hey, I wasn't his favorite. He just favored me over the rest of you guys."

"Yeah, that's what being a favorite is."

"Never mind. Either way, Snake is getting all of Sarge's attention recently. I think we need to keep an eye on him."

"Good idea." said Grif. "I'll go get Donut."

* * *

"Somebody took YOU out?" exclaimed Church.

"Yup." replied Tex.

"By himself?"

"Yup."

"Without a weapon?"

"Any more questions?"

"I have one!" called Caboose. "Was he nice?"

"No, Caboose, he wasn't." replied Tex.

"Dangit. I wanted a new best friend."

"Wait, did you say he had no helmet?" asked Tucker.

"Yes, that's right, he didn't have a helmet." replied Tex.

"What did he look like?"

"He had brown hair and a beard, but kind of grizzly, and he had a kinda blue-grey headband or bandanna or whatever. Also, he had black armor."

"He sounds kinda hot." called Sister from the bathroom.

"He sounds familiar..." said Church, thinking a bit. "What was his name?"

"He didn't say what his name was," said Tex, "But he had a code name. Solid Snake."

"Solid snake?" said Tucker. "Aren't all snakes solid?"

"No, they're rather fleshy and squirmy." said Caboose.

"But what's the point of calling him "Solid Snake" and not just "Snake"?"

"Well, Simmons called him just "Snake." said Tex. "Maybe he's called "Snake" for short."

"Maybe."

"Guys, shut the fuck up." snapped Church. "I'm thinking."

"Uh oh, Church is thinking." exclaimed Caboose, proceeding to shove Tucker out the door. "Let's give him some space." Tex followed suit, knowing that Church needed time.

"I never thought there would be a time for someone to say this, but thanks, Caboose." said Church.

"You are welcome, best friend!" called Caboose from outside.

A few moments later, Sister came out of the bathroom to find only Church there. "Where'd everyone go?"

"Get out." snapped Church.

"Fine, I'm going." sighed Sister as she left.

* * *

"Nice work, Snake!" said Sarge as he gazed upon the upgraded Warthog. "I like it!"

The new Warthog had bigger wheels and was a little bit more bulky. There were now two extra seats, the gun had a missile launcher attached, and there was now a licence plate that said, "Red 4-ever".

"Thanks, Sarge." said Snake, adding a few finishing touches to the Warthog, such as screwing in the new headlights.

"What are those?" asked Donut, pointing to the two white, curved spikes protruding from the grille.

"I call them the Warthog's Tusks." replied Snake. "I decided to make the Warthog look more like an actual warthog. And they do great for ramming other vehicles."

"Good thinking, Snake!" said Sarge, patting snake roughly on the back and making the cigarette he was smoking fall out of his mouth.

"Oh, dang it." mumbled Snake, taking out another cigarette.

"Here." offered Sarge, holding out a lighter.

"Thanks, Sarge." said Snake, nodding in thanks as he allowed him to light his cig.

"No problemo." said Sarge, saluting.

"Did he just salute to someone of a lower rank?" Grif whispered to Simmons.

"I don't hardly believe it." replied Simmons. "Sarge actually has respect for someone."

"And he lit his cig, too. Is it just me, or are you getting replaced as Sarge's favorite?"

"Well, it's not just you."

"Pero hay que admitir que es bastante impresionante." (But you have to admit, he is quite awesome.) said Lopez.

"I have no idea what you just said, Lopez, but I think that you agree." said Grif.

"Idiota." (idiot.)

"Did he just call me an idiot?"

"Sí, lo hice." (Yes, I did.)

"Alright, troops!" shouted Sarge, making them all turn to him. "Thanks to Snake's impressive efforts, we now have a chance of actually beating the Blues! So I think that it's time for an attack!"

"Let me guess, you have a plan." sighed Grif.

"Nope! But Snake does! Take it away, Snake!"

"Thanks, Sarge." said Snake. "Now, here's my plan. Simmons and Grif will take the Warthog and assault the Blue Base head on to draw their fire. Meanwhile, me and Lopez will sneak around the West side while Donut and Sarge take the East."

"Which way is East?" asked Sarge.

"If you approach the Blue Base from the front, East is on the right side." replied Snake.

"Thanks."

"Anyway," Snake continued, "For each of the two teams, we will send someone to scout ahead. Lopez will scout ahead for me, and Donut for Sarge. They will radio back if they see any Blues in the way. That will allow the ones in the back to take them out with a sniper rifle. Once we are sure it is clear, both of the infiltration teams will meet up. Then, me and Sarge will sneak into the base from the back while Lopez and Donut assault from the East and West sides to back up Grif and Simmons. We get in there, grab their flag, and then we all head to the Warthog for an evac."

"Sounds like a plan!" said Sarge. "Just one thing."

"What?"

"Where's the part where Grif dies?"

Snake sighed. "That's the point of him being in the initial assault. With him and Simmons drawing the fire from the start, he has a bigger chance of dying."

"Sounds good enough to me!" said Sarge. "Okay, troops, load up and head out!"

Simmons and Grif looked at each other, each thinking the two same things. One: we are screwed, and two: Sarge DEFINITELY has a new favorite.

* * *

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	4. Chapter 4: Capture-the-Flag

**Snake Vs. Everyone**

**Chapter 4:**

**Capture-the-Flag**

* * *

"How long has he been sitting in there?" asked Tucker.

"An hour." replied Tex.

"When is he gonna hurry up and remember why Snake sounds familiar?"

"You can't hurry thinking, Tucker."

"I tried to hurry thinking, once." said Caboose. "All I got was a killer headache."

"Exactly my point." said Tex.

"How is it that we've been reduced to such a low level that we start agreeing with CABOOSE, of all people?!" asked Tucker.

Tex was about to reply when they heard all-too-familiar music in the distance, getting progressively closer.

"Oh no." said Tex.

* * *

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWW!" cried Grif and Simmons simultaneously as the upgraded Warthog flew over the hill, lively music blasting from the radio. Grif was up on the gun while Simmons drove. Once they got close enough to Blue Base, Grif began to open fire with the machine gun, firing a few missiles as well for extra flare. The tank that Sheila formally occupied was turned over, allowing for cover for the emerging Caboose and Tucker.

"What the hell?!" cried Tucker. "What did they do to the Warthog?!"

"They must have upgraded it somehow!" replied Tex as she fired at it from the top of Blue Base.

"They have someone that can repair it, but how in the hell did they learn how to fucking UPGRADE the damn thing?!"

"Snake." replied Church, joining Tex on the roof. "He did it."

* * *

"You see anything, Lopez?" asked Snake, looking through the scope of the sniper rifle to follow Lopez's movements.

"Negativo, Snake." (Negative, Snake.) replied Lopez. "Dios, siempre he querido decir eso." (God, I've always wanted to say that.)

"Stick with me more, you may get to say stuff like that more often." chuckled Snake, moving forward. "Sarge, Donut, come in. How are you doing over there?"

"I hear ya' loud and clear, Snake!" replied Sarge over the radio. "Everything's A-OK over here! No hostiles in sight, and we are advancing towards the rendezvous point."

Snake chuckled. "Enjoy using the fancy military vocabulary, Sarge?"

"Damn right!"

* * *

"Where are the other Reds?" asked Tex as she ducked underneath another missile shot. "Usually they come all at once!"

"Maybe they had to go to the bathroom." suggested Caboose.

As if to prove him wrong, Lopez and Donut were seen approaching from the left and right sides, blocking up Blue Base on three sides.

"Shit!" cried Church. "Where'd they come from?"

"This is way too strange!" said Tex. "It's like they learn how to actually strategize! Solid Snake must have set it up!"

* * *

Snake and Sarge crept through the Blue Base, Snake smoking on a cigarette and holding his suppressed SOCOM pistol. Sarge, of course, was carrying his signature shotgun.

Sarge had been taught a few actual hand signals by Snake, so he understood perfectly when Snake signaled to advance around a corner. Soon they came to the flag room, with the flag standing directly in the center.

"Bingo." said Sarge.

"We got it." said Snake as he disposed of his cigarette and edged towards the flag.

"Hold it right there."

Snake and Sarge spun to see Tex and Church standing above them, pointing their guns at them. They had left Sister to take their position on the roof, and while they doubted her ability to actually be able to DO anything, it was only a temporary substitute.

"Hey there." said Snake calmly. "We meet again, Tex."

"Shut up, Snake." growled Tex.

"Hey, don't get all bitey on me."

"Yeah, it's the snake that bites!" said Sarge.

"Ha, good one!" laughed Snake, giving Sarge a high five.

"Shut up, dumbasses." said Church. "Get the fuck away from the flag."

Snake and Sarge backed up.

"Better. Now, drop your weapons and raise your hands."

They did so.

"Good." said Tex, approaching them and kicking their weapons away, with Sarge grumbling upon seeing his shotgun slide across the floor. "Now, you will follow me to where we will keep you until-"

"Sorpresa, hijos de puta." (Surprise, motherfuckers.) said a voice as Lopez leaped down from the ceiling, landing on top of Church. When Tex turned to see what was happening, Snake grabbed her in his signature choke-hold and quickly chocked her unconcious while Sarge retrieved his shotgun.

"Well done, Lopez." said Snake, nodding in thanks as he retrieved his SOCOM pistol and began to yank the flag out of it's holder. "Looks like there's one part of the plan I forgot to add: backup in case we get caught."

"Entonces era una buena cosa que estaba aquí para salvarte." (Then it was a good thing I was here to save you.) said Lopez.

"Damn right." said Snake.

"Quit lollygaggin'!" said Sarge. "We gotta hustle!"

Snake nodded. "Right. Let's get out of here."

* * *

"Goddammit!" exclaimed Tucker as he watched the Reds escape in the Warthog, whooping in victory with the Blue Flag in their possession.

"I'll say." said a recovered Church, rubbing his head. "I feel like a train fell on me."

"Train?" asked Caboose. "Where? I always wanted a train."

* * *

Please favorite, follow, and review! Next chapter soon! Cheers!


	5. Chapter 5: Planning and Partying

**Snake Vs. Everyone**

**Chapter 5:**

**Planning and Partying**

* * *

"Great job, men!" said Sarge as the others gathered around the Blue's captured flag. Everyone had their helmets off, save for Lopez, who was a robot. Grif had floppy brown hair and blue eyes.. Simmons was a handsome man with smooth brown hair, a cleft shin, and green eyes. Donut had short blonde hair and blue eyes. And Sarge was a gruff man with blonde hair shaved flat and brown eyes.

"Due to the efforts of two certain soldiers," continued Sarge, "we have finally captured the Blue's flag! This is an extraordinary victory in the history of the Reds! The only regret we have in this major battle in the war is that a certain soldier was not killed in action!"

At this, Grif sighed.

"But nevertheless, this calls for a celebration!"

"Does this mean we're going to have a party?" asked Donut.

"Damn right! Donut, it's time."

"Woo!" cried Donut, running out of the room in excitement to get the party decorations he had stored in his room just in case.

"Question." said Simmons, raising his hand.

"Yes, Simmons?" asked Sarge.

"Who were the 'two certain soldiers' you mentioned?"

"Why, me and Snake, of course! Who else?"

Snake chuckled. "I only did the planning, Sarge."

"Well, it was fine good planning, at that! Don't be so shy about it!"

Grif and Simmons looked at each other as they left the room.

* * *

"Damn it damn it damn it damn it damn it DAMN IT!" cried Church over and over as he paced back and forth. "What do we do now? They have the flag! They win!"

"So we can go home?" asked Tucker.

"No! We have to get it back!"

Tucker shrugged. "It was worth a shot."

"We could go ask nicely." said Caboose. "Just knock on the door and say, 'Hi, Reds, can we please have our flag back?' Then they'll return it and everything will be fine."

"Two things wrong with that, Caboose." said Church. "One, the Red Base doesn't HAVE a door, and two, they won't just give it back because we asked nicely."

"How do you know that?"

"Because I just know, Caboose, now shut the fuck up."

"Okay." Caboose said in a small voice.

"Normally it would be quite easy." said Tex. "But with Snake on their team, it makes things more complicated."

"I don't like things when their complicated." said Sister. "It makes my head hurt. Then I see rainbow unicorns and other animals everywhere."

"Alright." said Tucker, before doing a double take. "Wait, what?"

"Shut up, Tucker." said Church. "Anyway, Tex is right. Snake is a pretty good soldier. Quite badass. With him involved, it will make things hard on us."

"Bow-chicka-bow-wow." said Tucker.

"Shut up, Tucker." said Church and Tex at the same time.

"We need to get him out of the picture." said Tex. "How do we do that?"

"Oh, oh!" said Caboose, raising his hand. "We could be super-spies and do reconn... reconnect... re..."

"Reconnaissance." said Tucker.

"What Tucker said!"

Tex and Church looked at each other, then back at Caboose, and Church said, "That's... actually a good idea, Caboose."

"Thank you."

"Okay." said Tex. "We'll do some spying and see if Snake has any weaknesses or anything like that."

"I bet we catch him jer-" began Tucker.

"SHUT UP TUCKER!" Church and Tex yelled at the same time.

* * *

**Later that night...**

* * *

"Bullseye!" cried Sarge as he knocked another beer bottle off the table with a bullet he had thrown. The main, central room in Red Base had been redone by Donut. Rainbow streamers hung from the ceiling, balloons floated about, and various snacks were laid out on several small tables.

"Great work, Donut." said Snake, patting him on the back.

"Thanks!" said Donut happily. "I just knew this stuff would come in handy! I prepared for everything! Beer for Sarge, complex games for Simmons, a couch for Grif, and even a piñata for Lopez!"

"Racista." (Racist.) grumbled Lopez.

"Don't be so glum about it, Lopez." said Snake. "Just enjoy. Live a little."

Lopez looked at him for a moment, then nodded. "Sí. Necesito ... vivir más, como usted dice." (Yes. I need to... live more, as you say.) And he wandered off to get a boom box.

When he was sure nobody was looking, Snake left the room and went outside. He put a call through the CODEC to Otacon. After a little bit, his best friend answered. "Hey, Snake. Any luck on the Metal Gear?"

"No, not really." replied Snake, putting a hand to his hear. "But this place is... actually quite fun. I might stay a little longer."

"Huh?"

"Otacon, while most of them are total retards, they accept me as one of them. Sarge said I was a big factor in our recent victory. Just.. a little longer. Metal Gear can wait for once."

A pause, then, "I see. I'll keep looking for any evidence as to where it would be... Have fun, Snake."

"Thanks, Otacon." Snake then went back into Red Base.

On a nearby hill, concealed in darkness, Tex had observed it all through the scope of a sniper rifle. "Well well well." said said when he went back inside. "It seems our friendly neighborhood Solid Snake has a few secrets."

* * *

Please favorite, follow, and review! Next chapter soon! Cheers!


	6. Chapter 6: Want to Talk About it?

**Snake Vs. Everyone**

**Chapter 6:**

**Want to Talk About it?**

* * *

"Hey, Snake." Simmons greeted one day while the two were outside.

"Hey, Simmons." Snake greeted back with a wave of his cigarette. He went back to looking out across Blood Gulch as he sat on the roof of Red Base, his legs hanging over the side.

"You alright?" asked Simmons.

"Why do you ask?"

"You've just been... quiet."

Snake chuckled. "Yeah. I've just been thinking. About why I'm here, where I came from, stuff like that." He sighed. "You wouldn't understand."

"How are you so sure?"

"To be honest, I don't know."

There was a pause, then, "Do you want to talk about it?"

Snake chuckled and flicked his cigarette off the roof. "Sure. Got nothing else to do."

Simmons was surprised. "Really?"

"Yeah. Why not?"

After realizing that for once somebody actually agreed to this request, Simmons sat next to Snake, removing his helmet. "So... tell me all about it."

"You may want to get comfortable. This is a bit of a long story."

"I can manage."

Snake smiled and looked at the Red Soldier. "It all started with the man who would later go on to be known as Big Boss..."

* * *

"Do you know who he was talking to?" asked Church.

"I was too far away." replied Tex. "But he was definitely talking to somebody outside of Blood Gulch. Maybe his commanding officer."

"Maybe he was just doing a phone call to his mom and dad and wanted to tell them that he was doing okay." Suggested Caboose. "That's what I would do."

"I don't think that's it, Caboose." said Tucker. "Snake doesn't seem like the kind of guy who would put a call to his mom and dad. His girlfriend, maybe, if he has one. You think he has a girlfriend?"

"Who knows?" said Church. "All that I know is that he's talking with SOMEBODY outside."

"Maybe he's a spy!" said Caboose.

"That's actually rather possible." said Tex. "But why is he here?"

"We'll find out." said Church. "In time."

* * *

It had been a few hours since Snake had begun his story, and both he and Simmons had refused to rotate watch positions with the others (much to the pleasure of Grif) so that he could finish.

"So..." Simmons said when it was all done. "You're a clone."

Snake nodded. "Yep."

"Of possibly the best soldier ever."

"Yep."

Simmons nodded. "And these... Metal Gears... walking tanks, you said?"

"Uh-huh."

"And you and... Otacon... think either us or the Blues have one?"

"As far as we can figure, yes."

"Well, I'm not so sure about the Blues. But lately Donut has been working on some 'secret project.' Sometimes we don't see him for a full three hours."

"Do you know where he goes?"

"At first we thought he goes to the old caves, but they're empty."

"How far did you go in?"

"As far as we can go."

"Any other places here that could house a Metal Gear?"

After a brief pause, Simmons replied, "There are the underground caves and tunnels."

"I should check there." said Snake, getting up.

Simmons got up as well. "I'm going with you."

Snake raised an eyebrow. "Why?"

"From what you say, these Metal Gears are really dangerous. They need to be destroyed. So no matter who has one, whether it be the Blues or even my own team, you can count me in, Snake."

Snake smiled and handed Simmons his helmet, which he promptly put on. "Glad to have you on board, Simmons. It's good to have an ally on site here."

"I agree." said a voice through Simmons' radio.

"Whoa, who's this?" he said in surprise.

"Nice to meet you, Richard Simmons. I'm Otacon, Snake's partner."

"How did you-"

"I'm pretty sure Snake told you I was a great hacker."

"Right, that explains it. Can the others..."

"I made it so any radio conversations you have with me can't be heard by the rest of the Reds or anyone else."

"Right, thanks."

"Any time."

"Come on." said Snake. "Let's request a bit of a 'break' from duty from Sarge. He won't have to know where we're going."

"I'm sure he'll grant us a temporary break if YOU'RE the one asking."

Snake chuckled. "He has taken a liking to me, hasn't he?"

"That's an understatement."

* * *

"Of course you boys can take a break!" said Sarge. "You deserved it! Especially you, Snake. You've been a great benefit to this team."

"Simmons has done good, too." said Snake. "He's a pretty good soldier, if I do say so myself. You should be glad to have him. Though he is a bit of an ass-kisser."

"Hey!" Simmons exclaimed.

"No offense, man."

Sarge nodded. "Yeah, sure. You two have fun. If you see any Blues, kill on sight the second you catch a glimpse!"

"Will do." said Snake as he and Simmons saluted.

* * *

"This is the way?" asked Snake, looking down at the hole through the ground.

"Yup." said Simmons. "A pretty long drop."

"I think I can manage." said Snake.

"You sure?"

"He's sure." said Otacon. "Don't question it."

"I don't think I want to."

"Shut up and hold on tight." said Snake.

"What do you- AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Simmons as Snake grabbed him by the arms and leaped into the hole and down into the dark cavern below.

* * *

Hey guys. Just wanted to let you know that I am currently loving writing this story. However at the moment I don't have a good idea of which direction to take it. If you guys at home have any ideas for this story and it's future, please leave a review telling me what you think should happen. Please review as a member, as I cannot reply to you if you review as a guest. I can't contact you if I have no idea who you are!

Please favorite, follow, and review! Next chapter soon! Cheers!


	7. Author's note

Hi guys, it's me. Just wanted to let you know that I have massive writer's block on this story right now. I'm not sure where to take it from here. If you have any ideas, please tell me. All are welcome. Make sure you don't post as a guest, because if you do I can't reply.

Also, I'm working on a series of stories based on God of War. They will involve Kratos interacting with different fictional universes in order to recover the Blade of Olympus and takes place after God of War 3. I currently have a poll up asking what universe you guys think he should go to first. Go vote. For the glory of Sparta!

Cheers!


	8. IMPORTANT!

Hey guys, it's me again.

From my last update you guys know that I am having a severe writer's block on this and other stories. In my last update I asked you guys for help and ideas, as it is obvious you guys want to see this and other stories continued based on all the favorites and follows I am getting.

What do I get? Nothing. Just more follows and more favorites.

I get that you guys like the stories I write, but until somebody posts a review with ideas and help, I can't proceed. To be honest, I'm getting kind of sad and angry that I get more follows and favorites than I get any help. If this continues, I may consider giving up writing Fanfiction all together and deleting all my stories. Unless you guys are willing to actually help and not just favorite and follow u helpfully, this may become reality.

I am begging you, please. Just help me for a moment. I may seem needy, but it's just how my brain works. Just please, post a review containing any ideas and help you may be able to give me. If I go too long without getting any help, I will stop writing and delete all my stories.

Your's truly, Prof_T_Entee


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